My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
