took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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