1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
