i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
