the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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