I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
