just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
