So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
