I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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