i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
