Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
