My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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