I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
