dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
