hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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