I didn't shave. On purpose
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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