No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
