I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
