If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
