saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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