you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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