tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
