I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
