U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
You work out of a Hotel?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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