As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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