im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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