dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
