Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
