sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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