Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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