The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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