Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
So here I am, sexting at work.
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