why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
