Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
