he was CRYING into my vagina
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
