rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
