I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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