There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
