I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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