Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
