I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
