i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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