My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I want her autograph on my taint
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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