I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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