The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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