he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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