I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
