allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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