There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
