wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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