i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
