Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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