I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
