I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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